Dave:
Did you ever post anything on any of those websites where people you were at school with could contact you?
Travis:
I did once, but didn't really take it too seriously.
Travis's social media entry:
I left town after I finished school and attempted to find myself. Unfortunately, I did not like what I saw. I was a 42 year old mother of six. Deeply disappointed, I changed my name and attempted to find my new self.
Upon starting my new quest, I was brutally assaulted by a shopkeeper as I purchased a 'How to Protect Yourself from Attack' booklet. The shopkeeper was never traced.
I subsequently discovered a talent for setting light to my farts. Armed with my new found skill I set off for the Big City where I spent three months in hospital suffering from third degree burns.
While studying the ring of fire I got mixed up with the wrong crowd. I had intended to join a group of Pacifists, but accidentally joined the Young Conservatives instead. When they discovered I had scruples I was beaten severely.
I eventually joined the Pacifists, who renounced violence in all it's forms, but was punched in the face by a man who thought he should be the leader as he was the most peaceful man he knew and objected when I suggested otherwise.
Claiming to have been suffering from an acute bout of Alzheimer's, he later attempted to cure himself and died hanging from a meat hook.
I accidentally married a woman I have still not met. We later separated, as she wasn't who I thought she was. I thought she was a woman.
I discovered my wife was a sixteen stone male bouncer, who made a living out of duping gullible men. I had to laugh at the thought of those poor bastards being taken in like that. When I said I was going to stop the alimony payments immediately, she quoted the wedding contract which stated that I had to continue to pay her alimony, even if It was subsequently discovered that she was a sixteen stone male bouncer who made a living out of duping gullible men.
In retrospect, I probably should have objected to the clause being added in the first place.
When I found out, I was delirious, so I didn't care. A stage hypnotist cured my delirium; but now I sometimes believe I am a chicken.
At the age of thirty I was informed that I had an identical twin brother. We arranged to meet in a pub, but I failed to recognise him.
I spent a number of years bouncing up and down the country in search of gainful employment. I couldn't afford a car.
Jobless and broke, I forged a new career pissing in the wind, after being told I had more chance of success doing that than finding a regular job. I'm constantly aiming higher. I know I will be able to taste success soon!
Dave:
You really didn't want to be contacted, did you?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Travis and Dave are the stars of 'Beer Goggles', available only on Amazon kindle.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Beer-Goggles-ebook/dp/B008ZF5SOU
The World According to Travis and Dave
Wednesday 26 September 2012
Friday 21 September 2012
Why are you still single?
Dave:
Hey, Travis, there's a new book just out that is asking "Why are you still single?" I think we know the answer in your case, don't we?
Travis:
Oh F*** off! The only reason I'm still single is that I haven't met the right girl yet. That's all.
Dave:
Bollocks! The reason you're still single is that you turn into a big fat jelly whenever you so much as speak to a girl. Either that, or you become the world's lamest comedian and tell them all of your crap gags.
Travis:
Yeah, well we can't all be God's gift to women like you, can we?
Dave:
Thankfully, no! Which fortunately, leaves all the more totty for us real men...
Travis:
Do you have to rub my nose in it every bloody time?
Dave:
Yes, yes I do.
Travis:
T**t!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Travis and Dave are the stars of 'Beer Goggles', available only on Amazon kindle.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Beer-Goggles-ebook/dp/B008ZF5SOU
Hey, Travis, there's a new book just out that is asking "Why are you still single?" I think we know the answer in your case, don't we?
Travis:
Oh F*** off! The only reason I'm still single is that I haven't met the right girl yet. That's all.
Dave:
Bollocks! The reason you're still single is that you turn into a big fat jelly whenever you so much as speak to a girl. Either that, or you become the world's lamest comedian and tell them all of your crap gags.
Travis:
Yeah, well we can't all be God's gift to women like you, can we?
Dave:
Thankfully, no! Which fortunately, leaves all the more totty for us real men...
Travis:
Do you have to rub my nose in it every bloody time?
Dave:
Yes, yes I do.
Travis:
T**t!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Travis and Dave are the stars of 'Beer Goggles', available only on Amazon kindle.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Beer-Goggles-ebook/dp/B008ZF5SOU
Wednesday 19 September 2012
Mars Rover moves...
Dave:
"I see the Mars Rover managed a 3-point turn the other day. Not bad considering its on another planet."
Travis:
"Not really! Christ, it was on a deserted planet, with absolutely no obstructions and it still took five minutes. Who was driving it, an elderly woman?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Travis and Dave are the stars of 'Beer Goggles', available only on Amazon kindle.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Beer-Goggles-ebook/dp/B008ZF5SOU
"I see the Mars Rover managed a 3-point turn the other day. Not bad considering its on another planet."
Travis:
"Not really! Christ, it was on a deserted planet, with absolutely no obstructions and it still took five minutes. Who was driving it, an elderly woman?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Travis and Dave are the stars of 'Beer Goggles', available only on Amazon kindle.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Beer-Goggles-ebook/dp/B008ZF5SOU
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